Catfish: Thank you for taking the time to speak to me today.
“A” Mountain: Yeah, the time. Do your readers know that you’re not doing this in person?
C: I, uh…
AM: You, uhhh, what? Do they or do they not know that you’re conducting this quote unquote interview over Skype, that you couldn’t be bothered to meet me and conduct this interview in person like a proper journalist?
C: I’m just not sure that it’s relevant. For better or worse, we live in an age in which technology allows us to be able converse through telephones or computers.
AM: So your readers don’t care that you’re cheating?
C: Again, I’m not sure that they would see anything wrong with this--you may be the only one convinced that this is “cheating.”
AM: So you write for a population of criminals and degenerates?
C: I don’t think it’s fair to assume that--
AM: Why are we doing this?
C: I beg your pardon?
AM: As you should.
C: Listen, I’m not sure if I’ve said something to offend you, but I do apologize. I didn’t mean anything by it. I really would like it if we could start over with this interview.
AM: Uh huh.
C: Would you be open to starting this all over again?
AM: Please stop groveling. It’s not at all endearing. How did you get a girlfriend with this kind of whimpering behavior?
C: I don’t see how--
AM: Oh, God. You don’t have one, do you? Of course you don’t have a girlfriend. It all makes sense now.
C: Can we please get back on track?
AM: Sure, why not? But only because I feel bad for you. I am pitying you, just so there’s no confusion. I. Pity. You.
C: Today’s guest on “Tucson Interviewed” is a fixture of the city. Certainly not a stranger to any of us surface dwellers: “A” Mountain.
AM: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks for that ...generous introduction. Yippee.
C: Now, you’re most commonly known as “A” Mountain, but you also have another name.
AM: I have several other names, actually, but I imagine what you’re looking for is “Sentinel Peak.”
C: But you’re saying you have other names as well?
C: This is fascinating. I had no ide--
AM: Not surprising.
C: What are some of these other names?
AM: Harbinger’s Peak, Stormbringer’s Peak, Twins’ Peak, amongst others.
C: Twins’ Peak?
AM: Yeah, I’m a huge David Lynch fan, and I thought it was an interesting way to pay homage to such an influential artist.
C: Now, you’ve brought Lynch up, so I have to ask: What did you think of the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me?
AM: I’d rather not talk about it
C: You did bring up Lynch--I think it’s only fair to ask
AM: I’d rather not talk about it
C: Okay then. Now, do you prefer “A” Mountain or one of these other names?
AM: Does it really matter?
C: Oooookay. How tall are you, exactly?
AM: Seriously? These are the hard hitting questions you want to ask me? My name and my height? What’s next? “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?” What, you don’t think I maybe have a take on downtown revitalization in Tucson or the ongoing conflict in Syria? Or Syria’s downtown situation? We’re not even going to go as deep as this year’s Grammy winners? I’m so glad I agreed to do this.
C: Would you rather talk about Syria?
AM: I can’t--you can’t just… We can’t get a segue between “How tall are you” and “What’s up with Syria”?
C: So you don’t want to talk about Syria?
AM: It’s not that I don’t want to tal--look, I just don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about something so serious and dire in such a shallow and superficial forum. Can you imagine the headlines? “Sentinel Peaks Hates Carbs *and* Assad.”
C: If that’s the case…
AM: If that’s the case what?
AM: *sighs* 884 meters
C: That’s, what, nearly 3000 feet?
AM: I don’t know! You think I bother to concern myself with the Imperial System? Hardly!
C: I don’t think that’s an unreasonable assumption. We do live in one of only a handful of countries that still use the Imperial System.
AM: I am older than your city, state, or country--your borders and property lines mean nothing to me.
C: Just how old are you?
AM: Almost as old as your mother
C: I beg your pardon.
AM: Your mother is old and dangerously promiscuous
C: No slut shaming, please
AM: Fuck this...
At this point in the interview, “A” Mountain stormed off mumbling obscenities. The screen went black shortly after.
Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s voices.