Tucson Interviewed: A Tucson Riot (Bonus Interview)

On Saturday, March 29th, 2014, The University of Arizona athletics squadron geared up and headed out onto the playing area, hoping to win their bout against their competition(s).  Ultimately, they were not able to achieve this achievement.  Because of this injustice, Tucson Interviewed this is a Tucson Riot interviewed...
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Catfish:  Well?

Tucson Riot:  [sits in silence, avoiding eye contact] …

C:  You don’t have anything you want to say for yourself?

TR:  [silence continues] …

C:  Really?  Nothing?

TR:  …

C:  No kind of explanation or justification or anything?


TR:  …

C:  That’s funny, because you had lots of things to say last night.  Want me to remind you of some of them?

TR:  …

C:  “U of A!  U of A!”

I assume that was just for clarification, so that nobody thought it was a delayed reaction to the state senate passing SB1062.

TR:  …

C:  “Go Cats!”

Again, just further clarification, I assume.  You wouldn't want anybody to think you were causing a ruckus for an unworthy reason.

TR:  …

C:  “Fuck Wisconsin!”

See, now, to me, this is where you start going off message.  Is this about the sport squadron, or are you a group of vegans upset with cheese?  Or are you a group of television enthusiasts who really don’t like Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley?  Do you see what I’m getting at?

Or were you actually stupid enough to think that the sports opponents wouldn't try to win?  Were you mad at them for trying?

TR: …

C:  Continuing with your profound statements from last night: “They can’t take us all!”

This one, I… I don’t even know.  Were you showing your solidarity, banding together against the scourge of sports losses?  While you threw shit at the cops!  I can't even--I don't even know what to say.

TR:  …

C:  Apparently neither do you.

TR:  …

C:  Do you think last night was the most flip-floppiest, khaki-cargo-shortsy riot ever?

TR:  Bro!

C:  I’m not your bro.  Don’t--don’t call me that.  You understand that people already think Arizona is some kind of vacuum of rational thought and decency, and when you act like an asshole and an idiot then everybody outside of the state thinks we’re ALL assholes and idiots, right?

TR:  Dude… we lost!

C:  You’re a moron…
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Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s many voices.  If you have a question for one of those voices, or would like to be one of those voices, please send it to tucson dot interviewed at gmail dot com.

Tucson Interviewed: A Can of Four Loko (found along the side of the road)

I’m a man.  A man who enjoys walking the streets at night, just like the protagonist of a classic rock ballad might.  I walk the streets in shadow looking for the light of:

• Love
• A liquor store sign
• The hardware store (because all of the lightbulbs in my home are burned out)
• The dark

So I walk and I walk, with my headphones on, listening to other tales of small-town heroes strolling down darkened sidewalks, and I wonder when Bruce or Bob or Tom or Woody will sing about my trials and tribulations.  Normally I keep to myself, even when the voices in the dark cry out to e.  “You should be in bed sleeping,” I think to myself as I dismiss them, “not crying out at night—don’t you know that other people are trying to sleep?”

But on this particular night, I heard a voice I could not ignore, and dear readers, it is a voice you will not ignore, either (unless you aren’t a reader and are already ignoring this entire premise).  Tucson Interviewed, this is A Can of Four Loko (found along the side of the road) interviewed...
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Fourco

Catfish:  Do I call you “Four Loko”?  What should I call you?

Can of Four Loko:  Fourco


C:  Fourco.  Okay.

F:  With a “C” because loco is spelled wrong.

C:  I assumed that was done on purpose, but--

F:  I don’t like it.

C:  Okay, “Fourco” with a “C”.  F-O-U-R?

F:  F-O-U-R-C-O.  Fourco.

C:  It sounds like a business.  Four Co.  The Four Company.

F:  I like it.

C:  Tell me, Fourco, how long have you been in Tucson?

Tucson Interviewed: A Tucson Traffic Camera

I have to admit that last week’s interview, the debut offering from Tucson Interviewed, was an unmitigated disaster.  My first guest, “A” Mountain, walked out mid-interview before I could really get to the meat of my query.  

I felt like a failure.  At least nobody died, I told myself.

Yeah, except for my professional journalism career.

After wallowing for a bit, I remembered what my grandmother used to tell me: “Don’t fuck it up again.”  If my grandmother was willing to give me a second chance, why couldn’t Tucson?

For this installment, I present to you my interview with a Tucson-ish traffic camera, Traffic Camera #AZ48299.
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Catfish:  Thank you for speaking with me today, Camera #AZ48299.

Traffic Camera:  You’re welcome.  Thank you for having me  Please, call me Cam.

Tucson Weekly: Feeding the Fringe

Downtown Tucsonan: TUCSON FRINGE FESTIVAL BRINGS UNCENSORED PERFORMANCE, THEATER AND ART TO HOTEL CONGRESS